Letting go.

Loving someone is setting them free.

letting them go.

Allowing the falls and climbs to be achieved on their own.

I see you falling,

your heart following the steps of the unworthy.

And I stand by,

I watch.

Because I love you,

and if your heart chooses to go, I will follow.

I will stand by because some mistakes one needs to learn

by themselves.

But I can see my body fighting against it.

My heart knows that this will lead to danger,

my mind screams “NO”.

But I have no right to stop you.

I whisper my worries to you and let you learn how to fall.

 

-S

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Limbo

Our friendship exists in limbo.

You live believing that we are best friends.

I live believing that you do know it’s definition.

All we have between us is all the years.

All we have are deep roots but no foundation. The tree we created is too fragile, that it cannot support Us anymore.

But you hide your eyes from this truth, because it’s easier being ignorant.

You know deep down that this tree will never survive the brutle winter, it will not survive any more years.

Even now this tree is barely hanging on.

 

-S

Every time.

I hide. 

I push it all deep inside me, where no one can see it, not even I. 

It a ritual. 

I busy myself, I ran myself ragged in homework, work, volunteering. 

I blast music into my ears constantly to avoid other thoughts.

I keep my mind always occupied so I can postpone it.

I can postpone all the feelings of misery, of inability, of exhaustion, of depression. 

Because I can’t deal with it. 

I can’t handle it anymore. 

So I hide it deep inside me. All those feelings, all the darkness. 

I put a smile on my face, and school on my mind. I think of nothing else. 

I devoid myself of feeling, all I show is the smile everyone wants to see. So they can feel better about themselves. 

I lie until they are satisfied with my responses. 

I lie to satisfy myself as well. 

I do it, until I can’t. Until I fall apart and everything I was running from hits me. All the pain, tears, sorrow, misery and all the feelings of inadequacy all at once! And then the facade fades. 

And the cycle goes on. 

And on. 

Until this decrepit heart can learn to stop pumping misery in my veins.
-S

Please stop. 

Stop asking me what I want to do in my life.

Stop asking me about dreams.

About my future. 

Because I don’t know. 

How do you ask someone to see their future when they don’t even see a tomorrow? 

I had dreams a long time ago. 

Dreams now that are untraceable.

Because no matter how much I want them I can’t have them. 

My grades aren’t good enough. 

I’m not good enough. 

So I don’t give an answer anymore. 

I don’t say anything. 

Because what am I supposed to say when it doesn’t happen? What justification can I give for being too stupid to reach my dreams? 

So I lied to myself that I didn’t have any. 

I willed myself to believe it and now I don’t. I can’t even say the words dreams out loud. 

They don’t exist, not in me at least. 

So don’t ask. 

Because I have no reply to give you that will satisfy you and not kill me. 
-S 

This life? 

I wonder if this is the road I’m supposed to take? 

Is the path that I’m supposed to walk on? 

Are these roads already made for me or am I making them? 

Why does it feel like others know which road to take and I’m just taking steps to move? 

What knowledge do they have that I don’t? 

Are my dreams waiting for me at the end of this path? Will I be happy when I get there? 

Am I going down this path because it’s where I want to be or because I have too far to turn back now? 

I don’t even know why I go to school to study, I don’t even know what I like anymore. 

Or what my dreams are? 

I just keep wondering is there an end to this road? Will I ever be able to reach it? Will it finally give me a sense of purpose or fulfillment?
-S